Poop 2012 Vol 1: Back From a(nother) Long Winter's Nap

Yes, yes; I know it's been a long ass time since my last update. Damn close to a year in fact, but as promised, I'm back with some new antics to discuss. First of all, let me just say that I like this new blogger feature that tells me the traffic on the page. Who the hell knew that anyone actually reads this crap? It turns out that there have been nearly 2000 page views so there might be as many as 10 people who occassionally suffer through my tiresome bitching and self-indulgent drivel, and for that I thank you. As some of you may know, this coming week marks my 7th annual quest to eliminate myself from consideration for holding a public office outside of  Louisiana, Detroit, or Washington DC. By that I mean it's BBQ Fest, and as y'all know, the kind of debauchery that occurs there is far too heinous for any politician of a civilized society to associate himself with, but not nearly heinous enough for the people we elect to the DC. No, I'd probably need to kill a few hookers and serve their dry-rubbed and smoked carcasses to a BBQ judge to make that political leap. And now that we've made sure that the snark button still works, on with the triumphant return of The Weekly Poop...again.

Weekly Words Of Wisdom
"Rub it 'til it feels good."
-I'm not certain, but I think this is a BBQ team name at Memphis in May, and if it ain't, it should be.

Another Edition of What You Missed
Well, we've already covered that it's been a long time since my last post, and while I do apologize, I have a legitimate excuse. You see, I done been in school to get better knowledged as the good Senatah Fo-uhd would say. And Knowledged, I have...been. Straight MawF---in' A's, bitches! well technically there were 3 A-'s but damnit, I got some A+'s in there too and it seems only fair to cancel them out and just call them all an A. I mean, no offense to my grad school alma mater and current employer, but damn; what the hell is up with this +/- crap? As if it ain't hard enough to pull a 90 in a Doctoral level class, I gotta get a 95 to make sure I get a 4.0 instead of a 3.9? GAWL!

Right, what you've missed while I was getting all smart 'n' stuff. Well, you missed football season. Ugh, If only. Ole Miss was worse than expected which is REALLY bad. The SEC lost it's first national title game since the inception of the BCS in 1998, while still keeping it's streak of vicories intact, by virtue of an incestuous, all SEC title game. Dan Mullen claimed to be "winning championships" at State by virtue of beating the worst Ole Miss team in the program's 150+ year history which was led by a lame duck coach. Incidentally, Starkville is still claiming college town superiority in the state of Mississippi much to the entertainment of literally every other college town in the state. The Steelers got Tebowed, which basically means they WAOMed (that is "We Are Ole Miss", for those of you fortunate enough to live outside of my college athletics sphere of dispair and blissfully unaware of that acronym). The Penguins Also WAOMed, by damn near getting swept by the hated Flyers despite holding commanding leads in virtually every game of the series. Lastly, the Grizzlies, the least likely saviour of my fandom have forced a crucial game 7 against the Los Angeles Clippers and their band of flopping little babies.

Oh yes, I am a master of the MS Paint program and I'll cut anyone who claims otherwise

Here's hoping that we can pull this thing out at home tomorrow and spare me the complete college and pro WAOM sweep. Well, that pretty much covers sports. How's about some politics?

Oh dear God, no. Let's go back to sports, but from the scandalous side of things. It seems that Penn State has been harboring a child molester for decades...ew. And Arkansas, in a manner of speaking, has it's own sexual predator lurking about. Yep, the man universally recognized as the slimiest coach in all of sports went and got himself a nice motorcycle and a young, ex-volleyball player with whom to go play a little slap and tickle. Bad news for Bobby P is that, as they say in Sturgis, "the bitch fell off" but unfortunately he did too, and the world learned the awful truth, that Bobby P deserves every bit of the hatred that he has had directed at him throughout his career.

A little reenactment of the crash courtesy of LSUfreek, quite possibly the greatest gif maker alive...even if he is a dirty LSU fan

Perhaps the greatest irony of the whole situation is that when he was fired he complained that he was unable to talk to his players first. Funny, that didn't seem to bother him when he literally snuck off under the cover of dark to take the Arkansas job in the first place, leaving a towel boy or some jock washer to inform the Falcons players of his skulking defection.

You know what? I think that just about does it for catching up, and quite frankly, I don't remember what the hell else happened during my hiatus, or perhaps it's just too painful to think about. Seeing as how Ole Miss played Football, Basketball, and Baseball during that period, I'll go with the latter.

Onto New Poop
As I said, it's BBQ Fest week, baby, and this year we have a foolproof plan to win the whole damn thing. First, I'm going to get really drunk and then I'm going to kick back and hope that the heat can conjure up a sufficiently powerful halucination of the victory that I actually trick my brain in to believing it's reality, thereby winning the title of Rib Master. Hell, if I can just get a few halucinations within halucinations, maybe I can sell the idea to some movie producer in Hollywood.

Speaking of which, did any of y'all see that ridiculous movie with the kid from 3rd Rock From the Sun and the guy that froze to Kate Winslett on the Titanic? What a stupid premise that was. Sneaking into other people's dreams like some sort of creep pervin' around outside someone's bathroom window.

And speaking of creeps, have any of y'all seen this show, "Baggage Wars"? It's a bunch of filthy assholes going to airports and bidding on people's lost luggage. They sit back and say, "Oooo! that's a Gucci Suitcase! I gotta buy that one!" then they go to a rusted out shitbox of a car or a pay-by-the-hour motel and rifle thtough the lost valuables of some poor bastard who's hoping that the airline got good money for their bag because he's about to sue their balls off.

And Speaking of balls, how about the balls on the people in North Carolina that are so vehemently opposed to letting gays have the same legal and tax rights as straight people? I mean, let's be real here. Is anyone really thinking that the government is suddenly going to be able to force churches to perform marriages that conflict with their basic doctrines? Hell, no, and if this is what gays were asking, then I'd say they were crazy. What this really all comes down to is people claiming to be protecting the sanctitiy of marriage from the evil clutches of "homos." What the hell could homos do to destroy the institution of marriage that Kim Kardashian, and John Edwards haven't already done?

And speaking of stupid women and filthy politicians, did anyone else see the video of Ophelia Ford that came out a few months back? She was all claiming to have been treated horribly by "violent nurses." She even said they had to restrain her. Well, sometimes when you get all hopped up on booze and pills, you get a bit antsy in the pantsy and somebody gotta just tie you down til you cool off. Silly, Ophelia,

And Speaking of Ophelia, I'm terribly saddened by the passing of Levon Helm. Truly, the world lost one of the greatest figures of Rock and Roll. I will most definitely be adding some songs from The Last Waltz to my BBQ Fest playlist and tipping back some bourbon for Levon. Wait, how did we get back to BBQ Fest?

Ah, thank you for this little exercise that Ashley and I call "Mental Mapping." You see, I occassionally say something so far out of left field that we have to back track just to figure out where the hell it came from. Honestly, this is a bit tame for a guy who's brain is dripping with ADD and usually soaked in beer, but it's probably best to start off light since I'm not sure y'all are ready to really look into the mind of a madman.

Oh anyway, I think this is a good place to stop for now. Afterall I gotta be up in a few hours to go load a BBQ smoker into Tom Lee Park. Hot Damn! it's almost time!

Y'all have a good, safe week and viva la coola!