Poop Vol 23: Another Drunken Fiasco

Hey gang. I didn’t know if I’d have to squeeze out a poop for this week since I was supposed to be in Chattanooga for until late Wednesday, but I got all my work done faster than expected and here I am. This week had some interesting moments including a crawfish blowout where I was life of the party before I crashed in a blaze of drunken stupidity …

Weekly Words of Wisdom
Memphis was sinkin’ into the Mississippi. We were doing our best just to ride it down.
- Patterson Hood of DBT.

God Willin’ and if the Creek Don’t Rise…
So the Mississippi River is up really high. By high I mean that the river park that the good people of Mud Island use as a running trail and a dog poop receptacle is almost completely submerged. Geologically speaking, the park is actually just a terrace feature and it’s only natural purpose, is to act as a flood plain for the river. Of course, you have lots of people who know nothing about the natural world and they’ve had their brains warped by hippies and politicians who bend scientific data to suit their own agendas. These morons are convinced that this is the highest the river’s ever been and global warming is to blame for this massive “flood.” First, I’d just like to say to the lady on the news who told the reporters how worried she was because the river is higher than she’s ever seen it (and she’s been in Memphis for THREE whole years!) that I’ve seen the river a hell of a lot higher than that within the last 6 years. Flood plains and terraces exist for a reason and we are getting to see that reason now. I think that Al Gore’s work at terrifying the masses is good in that it makes people a little more thoughtful about how they impact the rest of the world, but he’s still a douche who takes 5 years worth of OTHER PEOPLE’S data and tries to pass it off as a history of the world. I won’t even go into how ridiculous some of his “observed trends” are, but I will say that statistically speaking, it is retarded to try and condense billions of years worth of earth history into a couple of decades worth of weather patterns. The worst part is that half of the “trends” he found actually contradict some of his wildest notions and the complete lack of hurricanes over the last couple of years just prove that he’s full of crap. Off the soapbox and onto the juicy stuff….

The Crawfish incident
This weekend we had a massive crawfish boil; the first real big one of the year, and I got stupid. We bought 140 lbs of bugs, a heap of sausage, and a full keg. Everything went well, we ate a lot, we floated the keg, and we made our money back so we can live to boil another day. The one problem was that somewhere along the way I apparently passed out on the bathroom floor with the bath mat under my head like a pillow. But wait; it gets worse. At some point I began to erupt (if you know what I mean) and then I locked myself in the bathroom. To make a long and hazy story short; I woke up the next morning and had to reattach a few doorknobs and scrub some floors and a toilet. Not a pretty sight and I now think it’s time for me to stick to scotch and water (sans scotch) from now on when I’m having parties. I think my biggest problem is that I put the weekend on some sort of pedestal. I never drink during the week so I feel like when Saturday rolls around I have to get maximum bang for my buck and that leads to me having these power drunks. Another problem is that I never feel drunk until I’m past the point of no return. Ashley will tell you that I’m a “sneaky drunk” because one minute I appear stone-cold sober, and 5 seconds later I’m lying on the floor.

I have a lot of great observations about the world, the city of Memphis and life in general that I picked up this week on my travels to Chattanooga, but alas, I have to run so It’ll have to wait until after our trip to Luh-Fayette (as they say in Oxford).

Y’all have a good, safe week now yu her.