Poop 2010 Vol 2.1: A Nugget That I Somehow Forgot

Actually there were two things I meant to mention in the poop I posted yesterday, and I just spaced. I really can't believe that items of this magnitude could have slipped my mind. I'm talking big time, earth shakingly important stories. I speak of course of the earthquake in Haiti, and to a greater extent; Jersey Shore. Let's get the minor story out of the way first.

Weekly Words of Wisdom
"True Story!"
Pat Robertson

Haitian Devastation
So this past week and rather strong quake devastated the poverty stricken country of Haiti, leaving a wake of destruction, death, and missing people. While the earthquake was indeed strong, it's a little difficult to gauge just how deadly it would have been had it occurred elsewhere. What I mean by that is Haiti isn't exactly a country known for it's sound government, economics, or infrastructure. The little that I've seen and read about Haiti suggests that half of their buildings were but a good shove away from collapse anyway, and a decently strong tremor would've been more than enough to leave the country in ruin.

From a more scientific standpoint; I'd have to assume that being an island, the country's geologic foundation consists mostly of unconfined medium to fine grained sediments leaving it susceptible to liquefaction. For those of you who unlike me, don't have an extensive and impressive rock collection encompassing samples from 3 continents, that basically means that with the right amount of shaking, the soil will behave like a viscous liquid; kinda like quicksand. I honestly haven't followed the story all that well in a technical way, and it's not like I would trust any geologic analysis given by MSNBC, CNN, or Fox anyway. After all,these are the same imbeciles that cry "global warming" every time a warm front pushes through a typically cold place then they turn around and deem 5 straight days of 20 degree weather in Baton Rouge a simple cold snap. These people clearly don't know the difference between weather and climate. (I promised myself I wouldn't go all soapbox on climatology, so back to the point). The biggest reason that I'm not following the scientific aspects of the earthquake is because none of that geology nonsense matters anyway. When analyzing a catastrophic event such as this, we need to consult the experts, and by expert, I mean insane, hateful, religious nutjob and assholes like Pat Rabertson.

Seriously, is this asshat for real? In case you haven't heard Pat claims that the real reason for the earthquake and the resulting death and destruction was all caused by the country of Haiti's pact with Satan (skip ahead to about 0:45). You've gotta love how people believe that you can validate even the most insanely retarded story simply by saying, "true story." Example: Did you know that you can actually grow cats by chopping up kittens and sprinkling the pieces in a bucket of Fancy Feast wet cat food? Of course, if you use the dry Friskies you'll be hunted down and devoured by the legion of flesh eating, undead, demon felines that emerge from said bucket of cat food. Your only defense will be to create a golem formed from Fresh Step kitty litter and your own excrement that will proceed to consume the zombie menace. True story.

If I'm not mistaken, Pat is the same jagoff that claimed that Hurricane Katrina was not a terrible meteorological disaster, but in fact a manifestation of God's ire for New Orleans and its unchecked population of blacks and homos.

(A beam of sunlight breaks through the clouds, and a booming voice emanates from the heavens)

"Seriously, Pat. You've got to stop referencing me in your TV show. People are gonna think I'm some kind of homophobic racist like that Ricky guy from Alabama, and I can't have that. Some of my best friends are black and I even know a few gay dudes and they're cool guys. Furthermore, stop assuming that every middle eastern looking person is wearing a dynamite sweater vest. Hell, my son looked like Osama Bin Laden, for My sake. All this talk about me smiting "bad" people is making my friends ask some really uncomfortable questions. I would never smite NOLA for partying a little too hard, and it ain't like every gay dude in the world carries on like that freak show, Adam Lambert. Sure, he's the kind of homosexual that makes a lot of really accepting people hate gays, but I still wouldn't smite him. He's too much of a train wreck to ignore; kinda like those mongoloids from Jersey Shore. Anyway, leave me out of your mindless hate mongering. Seriously. Oh and by the way, you can't just say 'true story' and expect people to believe everything you say. Then again, they do tend to believe that you're telling the truth when you say 'yeah!' in a loud voice. Go in peace and stop acting like such an ass."

(Sunbeam fades away and the clouds retreat revealing a beautiful rainbow)

Speaking of Jersey Shore...
I finally broke down and watch part of an episode of MTV's latest assault on American culture, and it was every bit as bad as I imagined it would be. I can honestly say that I've never seen a collection of idiots this conceited and out of touch with reality in my life. They truly are living stereotypes of Italian-Americans, and sadly, I found myself actually liking one of the characters.

This Ronnie guy, despite his love affair with gold chains, steroids, and graphic t-shirts, actually comes across as a pretty decent and grounded guy. Of course, that could be partially due to the amazingly vapid cast that surrounds him. He also has some of the most juicy and idiotic drama of anyone on the show. In the half episode that I watched, he managed to essentially breakup with his girlfriend, Sammi twice before begging for her forgiveness despite the fact that she started both fights. Did I mention that one fight was actually a physical altercation with some random asshole with a similar love for tacky attire and a desire to start trouble? Yes, Sammi, a goddess amongst mere mortals when it comes to stupidity, incessantly ran her mouth at the trouble seeker in spite of Ronnie pleading with her to simply ignore his initial taunts. It eventually got to the point where she was in fact, the one seeking trouble and it ended with Ronnie on the ground throwing punches at his adversary's bald head. Don't get me wrong, the guy who got his ass kicked got what he deserved, but had it not been for Ronnie's hot-headed haint, the two men would have gone their separate ways with no issue.

But you've gotta love Jersey; it's one of the least desirable places I could ever imagine, yet these people act like it's the French Riviera. Honestly it's like Panama City Beach during spring break but with syringes and steel drums littering the sand which is surrounded by the Magnolia Projects. To make it worse, everyone in the city looks just like the cast of the show; simply put: like a bunch of pathetic guidos. Speaking of the cast; probably the worst person on the show (and that's saying quite a lot) is this little, ugly, orange girl named Snookie. She's about an quarter of an inch away from legally qualifying as a midget, and her fake, spray-on tan makes it understandable that people just cruising through the channels often pause for a moment trying to figure out just what scene from Willy Wonka and the Choclate Factory is playing out. "Hey! I don't remember Willy's factory having artificial wood paneling on the walls!"

I don't have the time or energy to detail the rest of the show and its cast (quite frankly I think I've summed it up pretty damn well anyway), so I'll simply say, it is a complete abortion of television, and makes me wonder if I can get a part when MTV does their next "reality" show featuring a bunch of high school dropouts chilling in a trailer park in Denham Springs. It could feature a hooters waitress, a shelf stocker at Abercrombie and Fitch, a fishing lure technician from Bass Pro Shops, and perhaps a few more winners shopping for bedazzled shirts, drinking MGD Light, and making occasional trips to Lake Pontchartrain to hit on crackwhores from Kenner. I would totally slum it for a few weeks to be on TV. Besides, if they find the caliber of people that they did for Jersey Shore, it might be fun trying to see just how much I could rip those people before they got wise to the fact that I was laughing at them. I know in the case of the the Jersey kids; it's a lot.

Peace out